I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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