Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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