My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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