Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
we should paint friendship bongs
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