covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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