Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
