Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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