my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Screwed.edu
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
