mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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