If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize