tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
