Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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