i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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