who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
