I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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