i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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