So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Couch. On fire.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
