I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize