a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
