I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
