apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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