so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
