We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
