You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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