Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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