her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
