This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
