Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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