well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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