guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
