Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
