The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
