Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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