my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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