Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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