Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
