when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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