Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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