go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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