An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
