I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
