I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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