I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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