Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think i have two assholes
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
