Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
zippers are such a cool invention
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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