Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
