haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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