So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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