A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
