I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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