so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You were trust falling into bushes
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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