Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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