i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
