I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
