Tell her she can't have a vagina
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize