I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
being pregnant is like rehab
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
