His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
