There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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