I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
