I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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