I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
