im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
